TheRelationshipCoach

   When I ask people “what qualities do you look for in your ideal mate?”, they usually start off by telling me what they DON’T want in a potential boyfriend or girlfriend. Well this gets me thinking that probably the first step in looking for a potential mate is to rule out who isn’t right. In other words, we “filter” out the wrong people based on some standard that we maintain.

   So ask yourself this question, “what are your attraction or dating filters”. That is, what qualities in another person keep you away from them? Some folks may filter out others based on the other person’s politics. Conservatives who won’t date liberals, or liberals who won’t date conservatives. For others it may be religion, they wouldn’t even consider dating a person who isn’t of the same faith. Or perhaps they filter based on physical features. This is a common filter for at least the initial attraction stage. For example, do you filter someone because they weigh a certain amount, or they are too small, or too tall? Or, do you only date blondes? Or perhaps a certain build is what you’re looking for?

Your filter list can go on and on. A person who isn’t smart enough may get filtered. Or a person who doesn’t earn enough money may automatically be disqualified. So ask yourself, what are your dating filters?

   The point here is that we all have filters that either consciously or unconsciously guide us in ruling out potential dating partners. These filters serve as standards that others must meet. In some ways, filters are a good thing. We can’t just date anyone, can we? Especially if the other person has a completely different set of values than we have. Filters protect us from making mistakes. At least that’s what their original function is.

   But in some ways, filters may close many doors. I often hear about the bachelor who is “too picky”. What does this really mean? In terms of filters, they filter out most potential dating partners. Sometimes, if they would adjust one of their filter settings a little bit, they may find a wonderful dating partner.

   So ask yourself, what are my filters? But better yet, why do I have these filters? What do they mean? You may find the answer to be quite interesting.

  Many married couples claim that they just don't feel the same level of love and passion that they once felt for each other. Or that, the spark is gone?  They seem to have lost connection with that once burning feeling, that romantic flame that burned during the earlier years of their relationship. What can they do to bring back that magic feeling?

   Since the memories of all experiences are still stored in your mind (somewhere), it is easy to re-experience them and light that flame again.  

   Using a technique called Memory Management, you can re-create that romantic feeling as if it were happening in the present moment. This technique is based on some simple principles of Neurolinguistic Programming (NLP). Here's what you can do.

1. While sitting next to each other, recall a time in which you both felt completely in love. A passionate moment from the past when you were next to each other. Talk about it out loud to remind each other of this wonderful moment.

2. Remember how you both felt, how the other person looked, what their voice sounded like. Picture the other person's eyes, while hearing their voice and while bringing back that moment in both of your minds.

3. Notice any smells. The other person's cologne or perfume.

4. Look in each other's eyes again.

5. Be sure to completely re-live this passionate experience.

6. Hold hands as you re-recreate this experience as vividly as possible. Feel that electricity that was there before and imagine it in your hands again.

7. Take a deep breath together.

Notice how you both feel.

   Memory management is an easy way to re-kindle that initial loving spirit that you once possessed. Since we can easily control our thoughts and perceptions of the past, it is easy to pull up the good memories and experiences to make us feel good in the present moment. Too often, couples forget what it was like to be in love. This technique will remind you.

   You don’t need others to make you happy.

   If I had to give one piece of advice for couples or individuals it would be this. YOU are responsible for your own happiness. No one else. And this happiness is due to the decision you make about the meaning of a situation. It’s a difficult concept to handle. I know. We’ve all been conditioned to believe that others will make us happy. Or, that “material things” will make us happy. But this is not the case.

   Sure, we can become temporarily happy if someone gives us a gift, or smiles at us. But let’s think about this. Who is creating these feelings? Does that smile from that other person directly wire into our brain to turn on a feel good chemical? Or does that new car, or new stereo, or dozen of roses enter our brain and zap the neurons that are responsible for us being happy? NO!! What happens is that we look at these things and give them meaning. The dozen roses may mean that he or she cares about us or is thinking of us. The new car may mean that you can look impressive as you drive into work – or feel safer in a bigger automobile. There are hundreds of meanings we can give these events. But the point is, it’s up to us. We choose what to focus on, and then we ascribe a meaning to that event.

   You see, you have tremendous power over the meanings you give. You can decide what to focus on . You can decide on the meaning you give. You are in control. As Tony Robbins has often said, we humans are “Meaning Machines”. We constantly look for a meaning in everything. And the conclusion we draw, determines the emotional state we are in.

   So the next time a significant other is in a bad mood, and is giving you a hard time. Take control. Decide right there and then that you will find a positive meaning to their behavior. And as you walk away, you will know that you took the higher road and that, with a simple change in focus, you maintained a happy state. The decision is yours.